A World of Idiots

Religious Moderates: The Worst People on Earth

Part of me really wants to tackle religion on this site, because I think it is so incredibly important to humanity that we move beyond it… yet another part of me is very hesitant to touch the issue because, obviously, going there alienates and upsets a lot of people that I wouldn’t otherwise want to alienate or upset. However, I guess I didn’t start this site to pussyfoot around shit that I think is stupid… so here we go! Sorry guys!

First of all, the whole issue of god belief is very deep seeded in all of us, and particularly in the fabric of society as a whole. Therefore I can’t really tackle the whole of religion in one article, it’s just way too big and broad of a subject. Luckily it’s one I know a lot about, and so for your benefit I have chosen the part of the subject that today I think is most harmful to our progress as a species on this planet: religious moderates.

Perhaps you thought I’d say “religious extremists”? You thought I would say the most harmful religious population we have would be the suicide bombers, the jihadists, the Christian evangelicals? No, not by a long shot. Thank god (pun intended) those people, for now, represent a minority of the religious population. But it has not always been so.

We would be fucking stupid to believe that fundamentalists have always been the minority, or that they will remain so for very long. In fact throughout most of history, people who thought like jihadists, like crusaders, like Spanish Inquisitors, like militant zionists or imperialist missionaries, have been the majority. Their lunacy has in a very real sense shaped the world we live in today. You cannot go back through the pages of history without finding their involvement in every major event, and believe me ladies and gentlemen when I say that it was nearly never peaceful.

In our world today, we have made such amazing progress that we now regard those people who are religiously violent and savage as “crazy”. Our government goes to no short lengths to remind us of things like “the 9/11 attackers were extremists! Their mentality does not represent that of all Muslims”. Similarly, we hear “Christian fundamentalists do not represent all of Christianity, just one radical interpretation of it”. We are told “messianic zionist Judaism is a radical school of thought that in no way reflects true Judaism”.

Well herein lies the problem, everyone. These people do represent their religions. In fact, they are the best educated people in the world on their respective religions. They represent them the best. They have read their own scriptures diligently, they understand them word for word, and it is from this scholarly study of their religion that they derive their lunacy.

No, the people that are wrong about religion are not the so called “extremists”. The people that are wrong are these motherfucking moderates and casual believers that dominate religious society today. Moderate religious people, the ones you likely know, do not understand their own beliefs. These are the people that have either not read their own holy scripture, or they have chosen to sort of cherrypick the things they do like about their religion and throw away the rest. Once you’ve done that, you really might as well not be religious in the first place, you asshole.

If you truly believe that God gave us the holy scriptures, the bible, then what in the hell gives you the right to start editing it and throwing out things that are inconvenient for you to believe? If we take Christianity for example, the bible is very clear on several issues. Let me illuminate them for you:

1. Women should be stoned to death for adultery.

2. God created earth in 6 days, and on the 7th he smoked some pot and watched the House episode he had on TiVo. Oh, and it happened exactly 6,000 years ago.

3. Jesus was born to a virgin who was raped by god.

4. Jesus then rose from the dead after decaying in a hole for 3 days, visited his friends at the bar, and later ascended to heaven after presumably going on a road trip for 40 days where nobody heard from him.

5. His mother never even died, but was just eventually “assumed” into heaven. 

6. God will not know you believe in him unless you have had the end of your penis sawn off.

7. God created you as naturally sinful, you were born with the burden of sin, and now he is going to judge you and potentially send you to hell for it.

8. God is the all confident, all powerful, omnipotent creator of everything in existence. Yet he shows no proof for himself, and if you then doubt his existence, you are cast into hellfire for all eternity to suffer for basically just using the common sense and free will which he himself gave you in the first place. It is almost as though the only way into heaven is to be a complete idiot and not use your brain.

9. To that point, he is jealous of your affections. If you worship any other god, or just as bad in his mind, an icon such as a painting or a golden calf, then he again is so insecure that he will banish you to an eternity of hellfire for not paying attention to him.

10. Homosexuality is evil, and those that practice it will never know his “love” and should be shunned, punished, and abused by his followers for their sins. Yet god, for some reason, continues to create homosexuals. Perhaps he just finds their abuse entertaining?

11. Those who are not baptized are condemned to an eternity in hell. This applies to all stillborn children, children who are never baptized, and everyone that is not a Christian. In the case of stillborn babies, they get to spend an eternity in “limbo”, the gray area between heaven and hell. So basically, babies are being punished just for not making it to a year old. Shame on them!

There are so many more examples of craziness in the two testaments and the Koran, all of which I urge you to read for your own education of just how insane religion is. Reading any of these books, one gets the impression that god is a petulant, jealous, insecure teenage boy who freaks out and punishes you in the most extreme forms possible for the slightest sign of disloyalty to him. All of this, as I pointed out before, despite the fact that he has endowed you with free will. What kind of person is this to worship? If this were a human being, would you want to be his friend, much less worship him?

Which brings me back to the moderates. Moderate religious people will choose to deny any of the statements above and give excuses for why it is not necessary for them to believe this trash. They will give so much ground to modernity and dismiss so much of their holy text, yet they are still not willing to give it up entirely. Tell me, does this kind of god sound like the sort of person that is willing to let you just casually pick and choose what words of his you believe and which ones you don’t as though it’s some sort of holy buffet? I don’t fucking think so.

This is why, after reading those books, religious fundamentalism becomes more understandable to me, in a sick way. Those people have actually read the text. The suicide bombers and the evangelicals are 100% correct in their views on the bible and the Koran, they get it. They have thoroughly studied and taken away the key values of their religions. Their beliefs are violent, disgusting, and profane to the rest of us… but at least they did their research, unlike the moderate.

The beauty of it is that we all agree they are crazy. The tragedy of it is that a lot of us still aren’t willing to throw away the texts and beliefs upon which this dangerous horse shit is based. There is no difference between moderate Islam and violent, fundamental Islam, except that moderate Islam is not Islam at all. It is deliberately ignoring it’s own scriptures in order to keep peace in the valley and fit in with the rest of the world. There is no difference between ultra liberal protestant Christianity or reform Judaism and their militant counterparts except that these new groups are not adhering to the tenets of their religions. They are fraudulent, they are half-assing it.

Most Christians that I know and get along with are perfectly decent people who adhere to the peaceful teachings of Jesus. However, these people almost man for man have not read the entire holy scripture that they live their lives around. They do not know what kind of depraved and frightening things go on in this book, or the rules by which they are being commanded to live. If they have read it, they are choosing to ignore it and thereby are in direct violation of their own god’s will. Therefore, according to their own religion, they will all be going to hell. At least if they do, I can meet them there and buy them a drink while I gloat about how I was right that their god is a dickhead.

To say “I am a Christian who believes in the theory of evolution” is a direct and heretical violation of your holy scripture. You are a hypocrite. You can’t believe in honey and not believe in bees. It doesn’t make sense, and it shows a clear lack of thought on your part at that point. You are willing to accept science which directly negates your belief system and then instead of embracing science, you find slippery and nonsensical ways of fitting it with your religion so that you do not have to give the whole thing up completely. It’s like saying “ok, I accept that cars have an internal combustion engine as you’ve proven, however I still believe that they do not run on gasoline because my book says they run on god”.

What kind of logic is this? Either god made Adam and Eve as the first humans, for which there is no evidence, or we evolved as a product of natural selection, for which there is mountains of evidence. For you to reconcile the two and make concessions in the favor of science is a direct violation of your religious beliefs and therefore, according to you, you are now going to hell for denying the word of god. You cannot have it both ways. You cannot believe that the bible is the unquestionable word of god and also believe in evolution, these two ideas are mutually exclusive. Yet this is exactly what moderates do, which I think shows us that they don’t really know anything about either subject.

No, moderation of religion is not the key to the future as people would have you believe. The safe future for humanity is not one where “Jews, Christians, and Muslims all live side by side in harmony”. That will never fucking happen, it’s been proven by history that it never will happen, and there is absolutely no evidence to show that it ever will.

The only safe future for humanity is one where none of those ideas even exist. The safe future for humanity is one governed by reason, by thought, and by science. A future governed by the pursuit of true knowledge, not “archaic wisdom” that is backed up by no evidence except for a few dusty books and a couple billion ignorant fanatics willing to behead each other over which one of them is right.

The reason I can at least respect fundamentalism is that these people have researched their silly ideas and truly believe in them. They have a reason to be proselytizing and selling it to people, because they have actually read all of, understand, and believe in the crap that they are selling. Thankfully, these lunatics are in the minority.

Religious moderates are dangerous because they are the majority, and they choose to pass on their religion to their children and continue to convert poor ignorant people around the world despite having no understanding of the very beliefs they are selling in the first place. They don’t get it .

These are people that have thought the whole matter through so little that they don’t even really subscribe to one side or another. They sell a bizarre and twisted half-truth, a perverse amalgamation of science and theology. They think science is acceptable because it gives us iPads and medicine, but reject the rest of it because god still wrote the bible. They are interested in the material products of science, but not it’s actual purpose or it’s meaningful, life-affirming discoveries.

Most children are not born radical. They have to be made that way. It is my opinion that this would be far less likely to happen if these ignorant, non-thinking moderates would stop making poor excuses for the religions that they only half-assedly believe in the first place and just rejected the whole thing outright, as they know that they should.

Once nearly all of your religion has been debunked, as is the case with the 3 major worldly religions, it’s time to make a choice. Are you going to keep fighting to keep your disproven, archaic religion in play, fighting until the very last line of the bible is debunked? Or are you going to conversely whole-heartedly latch onto the scriptures and obey their every insane, violent word and reject science outright?

Or are you going to just say “look… it’s officially the future. We’ve learned a lot. It’s time we stopped living our lives around this Iron-Age text and started dealing with the concrete universal truths that we have uncovered, and live our lives around that. We have nuclear bombs and the means to completely destroy the planet. We have no room in the discussion for nonsense and divisive god claiming that will inevitably lead to our own destruction. We only have room for humanism, rational minds, and discussion”.  If you say that, then bravo to you, because you just saved the world.

Being in the middle on it is being a total pussy. It’s choosing not to think about it. It’s choosing to be comfortable because it’s hard to deny something you have been brought up believing. But what kind of person are you, really, if you do that? Are you the kind of person that can comfortably live in hypocrisy, knowing that you are subscribing to a religion based more on tradition than on belief, thereby passing on yet another generation of people who believe in nonsense to the future? Or are you the kind of person that is brave enough to just say “ok, let’s look at the facts. I just want to know the truth”.

It’s difficult, I grant you, to shun the entire belief system in which you’ve been raised. It may be the most difficult thing there is, in fact, because it fundamentally alters your view on the world, your very concept of reality. But there is no honor in looking away from truth, because it only will set you free, and doing so by definition makes you a slave to lies.

If you can honestly read your holy scripture and say that you believe every word of it and adhere to it 100%, then good for you. I would say you are clearly a sick individual who operates under a pitiful Nietzchean slave morality that will only hinder you in life… but still, good for you. At least you’ve done your research and chosen a side.

The most contemptible place to stand in this argument is in the middle. At that point, you are doing harm to both sides. If god is right, you are doing harm to his believers by not subscribing 100% to his word and following his dictates to the letter. If science is right, you are hurting the rest of us by keeping the ignorant, explosive, divisive, dangerous religions of this world alive in the face of our progress, and hindering humanity every step of the way by pitting the truths we find against ancient belief systems for which people are willing to murder each other.

It is because religious moderates do not wholly believe their religions, yet choose to keep them alive to the detriment of us all that I despise them. They hinder our progress for a cause they don’t even wholly believe in. To me, that is the height of hypocrisy, and, to use a biblical term, it is “evil”.

So, fuck that. I realize that this isn’t the “funniest” article I’ve written, but it had to be done at some point. Better sooner than later, I think, and I promise, it’ll be funnier in the future. I just can’t have a website about a world of idiots and not touch on this at some point. Please understand.

Stop Pretending We Are All Smart

“I’m smart and handsome” - Ugly Teddy

Why does everyone’s opinion matter? Why do we have to pretend stupid people around us have opinions that should be held in equal merit to our own? How come dumb people get to vote?

What a load of horse shit. I think this mentality comes from that boring document called the US Declaration of Independence, which unfortunately and inaccurately says that everyone is equal. People have really taken this idea and run with it, haven’t they? It’s gone from meaning “everyone has basic rights” to “everyone is really smart no matter what they say or do and you have to respect their opinions.”

First of all, I have to say right up front that I completely disagree with the notion that all men are created equal. I think you have to be either completely oblivious to the world around you or you are lying to yourself if you say you believe in that. There is absolutely no question that all people are not equal in any capacity. Some people are stronger, some people are smarter, some people are faster, some people are slower, some people are good looking and some people are butt ugly. We may all start out as a blank slate, but by the time you are an adult, people wind up meeting vastly different degrees of potential, at which point they are no longer equals.

I agree that we should treat all genders, races, etc as equal in this world. I think that’s a fair use of the term “all men are equal”. But on an individual basis, like say a body builder vs a midget, these two men are clearly not equal. Not of equal height, not of equal strength, etc, etc. But those things are superficial and don’t really matter. I’m concerned with treating everybody’s intelligence equally. I think that’s dangerous.

If Sally is an inbred toothless woman whose IQ is 80 and she has never attended school beyond grade 6, then why should I consider her my equal? She is clearly not, and it is an insult to say that she is or that I for even a second should humor the idea. Why then should I have to respect anything Sally does or says? Because the law says so? Because it’s the right thing to do?

Well then the law is stupid, and I don’t know whose idea of “right thing to do” it is that we have to go around humoring the stupid people of this world, but it’s not my idea of the right thing to do. How does it benefit us to pretend that everything a dumbass says is true? You shouldn’t handle stupid people by just letting them run their mouths with their stupid opinions. The right way to handle the stupid is to

1) Let them know that they are stupid

2) Explain to them why they are stupid

3) Stop taking anything into account that they say and move on, because they are stupid and stupid people’s thoughts and opinions don’t matter.

4) Because they are stupid.

It’s just plain dangerous to go around pretending everyone’s ideas are valid when they really are not. Smart people need to stop pussyfooting around the issue of stupidity and stop being polite to idiots. Treat them like shit, I say, let them know where their position in life is. It’s below the rest of us who have taken the time and worked to become educated.

I feel comfortable saying this because I think being stupid is a choice. It’s wrong to treat somebody like shit based on something they have no choice in, like race, gender, nationality, etc. But it’s so incredibly right to hold people responsible for their own adult situations and force them to sleep in the bed that they’ve made for themselves. If the bed you’ve made for yourself is being an adult who is stupid, well then shame on you, dumbass.

Being lazy, feckless, and ignorant your whole life is a sheer lack of trying on your part. It’s your own fucking fault. It has nothing to do with school or opportunity, books are free at the library, asshole, get down there and educate yourself. You can’t tell me that people don’t know that, it’s pounded down our throats every single day of our lives since we are born. So think…. or don’t, and subject yourself to a lifetime of getting treated like the idiot you are by people who are smarter than you.

It’s just plain dangerous for us to continue going on respecting the opinions of cult leaders, evangelists, raving lunatics, ghost believers, holocaust deniers, and I’ll even go so far as to say all of the religious. These people, by their very beliefs, have demonstrated a clear lack of logical, rational thinking and therefore in my opinion have relinquished their right to be taken seriously by the rest of us. We should mock them, openly, and make them feel stupid for their beliefs.

If we don’t, if we pretend to respect the opinions of somebody who believes dinosaurs lived side by side with humans, they are never going to learn otherwise. What’s worse, if we leave them alone they are going to start teaching other people their stupid beliefs, and so ignorance spreads like a virus until you have a world like the one where we live in today where nearly everybody has some kind of ridiculous notion in their head which they whole heartedly believe in, yet have no proof for. That goes for everything as seemingly normal as being a Catholic all the way down to the people who believe that their neighbors are actually reptilian creatures wearing human skin (and plenty of people do believe that).

Imagine having a bunch of dogs. If you let those dogs just run willy nilly all the fuck over your house, shitting and pissing and barking and biting people out of “respect for what the dog thinks it needs to do”, then you are being a fucking dumbass and soon you will have no house left. You need to tame those motherfuckers, and bring them to order. Train them to behave like good dogs that are smart enough to know that if they shit in the house you will stop feeding them and have them euthanized.

Same principle with stupid people. Right now we let them run all willy nilly and say all kinds of wild and ludicrous bullshit as well as teach is to eachother. That’s the reason we have everything from ignorant tea partiers trying to kill immigrants all the way through Islamic fundamentalists trying to blow up trains because of their own convoluted view of reality for which there is no proof.

We are all subject to the rantings and ravings and dangerous intentions of these people so long as we allow them to go on thinking like this. The only reason we are in the position stuck between two violent extremes like American fundamentalists and Islamic fundamentalists is that nobody is brave enough to stand up and just put them both in their place intellectually. That place for both of them is below us, and it isn’t us that put them down there, they did it to themselves by believing dumb shit.

Why should we have to live in their scary ass world and play by their insane rules? Why should something like creationism for which there is no proof at all be treated with the same seriousness as evolution for which there is mountains of evidence? If we don’t start humiliating people stupid enough to suggest that, we will be living in a world where they are taught side by side, thereby spreading the virus of ignorance even further.

If somebody tells you they believe in Scientology, you should NOT let them feel respectable. They need to be openly ridiculed and made a fool of. The goal should be that we eventually live in a world where anybody who can’t back up their stupid beliefs and tries to spread their lies to other people is mocked and laughed out of town. It should be a heinous crime to be stupid, being stupid should be down there with racism and homophobia as our biggest social taboos. We should be disgusted by people who choose not to think, not respectfully tolerant of them.

Tolerance is a beautiful thing, but only for things that are tolerable to begin with. Stupidity just isn’t one of those things. So please, I encourage you, anybody that does anything stupid, jump all over them to make them feel embarrassed and humiliated for being such a goddamn idiot. It’s the only way they will learn. There must be a negative consequence for being a loud mouthed dumbass in this world (except for me!), or soon we will all be overrun by them.

Chemtrails and You

Look, we all love secrets. We love to be a part of them. We love to be the only person that knows something. It’s even better if it’s something benign in our every day life that nobody else knows about. Like for example the reporters that uncovered the Warergate conspiracy? Those guys got really hard doing that. It was probably thrilling.

Which is why some people love to look up in the sky at the contrails of a normal jet plane, and think “you know what? That’s not normal. Those planes are either gassing all of us, or releasing poison to kill us all, or (insert alternate conspiracy theory here)”. In case you haven’t caught onto what I’m talking about, here is a picture of a normal jet contrail:

People look up in the sky to see these jet trails every day and do one of three things:

A) don’t think about it because jets are stupid and who cares

B) They know (and I quote from wikipedia) that “these condensation trails are the result of normal emissions of water vapor from piston engines and jet engines at high altitudes in which the water vapor condenses into a visible cloud. Contrails are formed when hot humid air from the engines mixes with the colder surrounding air.”

Those are pretty normal things to think. But remember, we live in a world of idiots where nothing is safe from being turned into something stupid as fuck. So now we run into option 3:

C) Subscribe to the ridiculous theory that it’s not actually normal for a plane to leave those trails, and therefore the government must be gassing us.

I’ve been really disturbed to find out how many people that are otherwise normal subscribe to the whole “chem trail” thing. Otherwise perfectly ordinary people have looked me dead in the eye and told me “no dude, those trails are clouds of gas the government is dropping on us to keep us all passive so they can do whatever they want”.

God there is so much to say to that, it’s just so stupid. It’s really difficult to know what to argue about first. I guess I’ll try to do it in some kind of order. Here’s my big question:

Why Would the Government be Gassing us?

If it’s to make us all passive as the theory claims, then why the fuck aren’t we all passive? People hate the government, they hate each other, they fight pit bulls and fuck trannies and smoke meth and rob gas stations… all in all I’d say we’re not a very passive bunch.

What’s more, if we’re all being gassed to make us passive and unquestioning of the government, then how come RIGHT NOW as you explain your crazy chem trail theory to me about the government, YOU aren’t being passive? Aren’t you saying we’re being gassed to prevent the very thing you are doing when you come up with these theories? Shouldn’t you be unquestioning and submissive? Yet here you are being disruptive and questioning the government… that kind of ruins the whole thing, don’t you think?

It’s like someone walking into a doctor’s office with a rock hard erection pointing at him and saying “doc, I think my wife is putting something in my food to give me erectile dysfunction. She’s poisoning my dick, bro”. Well clearly not, you turd, you have a raging hard on. Go home and come up with something else to be paranoid about. You’re complaining about a disease yet you have no symptoms.

If you really think the government even needs things like jets or gas to make us all a bunch of lazy non-thinking dumbass turds then you truly are a remarkable idiot. Companies like McDonalds and MTV have that shit on lock. They’ve done more to make people tired, stupid and lazy then any amount of upper atmosphere gassing ever could, and honestly if you care about the well being of “the people” then it’s THAT sort of shit you should be attacking, not the cloud behind a plane. You dumb bastard.

Not only this, but how would gassing a population from high altitude even work? Gas dissipates, and the winds between the ground and the plane would not only blow that gas out to sea or all willy nilly, but it would also dissipate to the point of being benign. It’s like if you walked into a room with a balloon full of nitrous oxide and said “we’re all about to get fucked up!” and then just popped the balloon. Nothing would happen, because the gas is just going to kind of float around the house like parent on Xanax and then eventually just leave (again, like a parent on Xanax).

But getting beyond that, let’s just pretend the government IS gassing us. Why? What’s the point? If it’s to make us all passive I think it’s pretty obvious that it isn’t working at all, so what else? Some people say “they’re releasing heavy metals into the atmosphere to poison us”.

Really? We’ve all already been harmed by heavy metal. It happened when Metallica cut their hair off, and it was a national tragedy. But conspiracy theorists aren’t talking about the kind of heavy metal that is cool and makes teenagers want to shoot a pizza guy for fun in the south, they’re talking about metals like mercury, lead, and plutonium.

Now… if you were a government, and you had a population of people that kept you in power, paid you, worked and kept industry and production in your country going, why in the FUCK are you going to poison them? What’s the point? That’s what doesn’t make sense about this whole theory the most to me. What president shows up to work and says “you know what? It’s about time we gas Philadelphia to death. Ya know, just for funsies. Not gonna help or anything, I just think, ya know, fuck them.”

Seriously, give me one solid reason a country could benefit from killing everyone in it. Also, if they’re gonna kill us all, why do it by gassing the very same air that they (whoever “they” are) have to breathe as well? And more to the point, if this has been going on since the 1980s as claimed, why aren’t we all dead yet? Hell of a poisoning job…

Let’s also think about this: where is all this fucking gas coming from? Where are the plants producing it? How is it being secretly produced and shipped to airports around the country every day to fill up jets and fly around and gas us? How much does that cost? Producing all of that gas, fueling all of those jets, flying all over the place every single day doing the hard work of killing America… sounds really expensive. Like, so expensive that it’s retarded to even consider it.

People that I’ve had the displeasure of talking to who believe in the chem trail conspiracy invariably say the same thing when I tell them it’s stupid: “well prove that it isn’t happening!”. 

First of all, I think I’ve already made a pretty good argument for that. Secondly, the burden of proof is NOT on me. The burden of proof is on them, it’s their stupid fucking theory to begin with, and there is no evidence for it. Einstein didn’t get his theory of relativity accepted by just showing up one day and saying “Relativity! Bam! Prove it ain’t real!”. No, he worked it out mathematically first, and then brought it over.

You don’t get arrested and have the judge say “alright asshole, prove you DIDN’T commit the crime”. No, the prosecution has to prove that you DID, because they are they ones saying that shit in the first place. See what I’m saying here? It shouldn’t be my problem to have to disprove anything in this conversation. I’m not the one saying the dumb shit here.

The problem is that the people who believe in chem trails are never scientists or aviation experts or pilots or anybody that would really know anything about this sort of shit to begin with. They are television editors, they are assistants to child stars, they are a dude in the parking lot of a Mission Burrito with a surfboard, etc. Those are the one’s I’ve dealt with. None of them are really dumb, per se, but that being said there’s no taking away the fact that if you think chem trails are real, you clearly have not thought it through, looked it up, or in any way done legit research to back up your claim outside of reading some schizophrenic’s blog (not this one).

The fact is if you ask a pilot or a scientist or an air traffic controller, or probably even a baggage handler, they’re going to just say “what are you talking about, it’s a normal contrail, asshole. It’s water vapor. Get a job and move out of Hollywood, you weirdo”.

These people have also told me “well those trails are unusual! They’re not always there! Normal planes don’t do that!”. To which my response is “yes they do”. I lived a mile from an airport for 7 years, they all do that, if the conditions in the sky are right for it. Look it up.

It all comes down to just using a valuable tool of thought, when you are confronted with ridiculous shit like this. It’s called Ockham’s razor, and it’s the kind of razor you get to cut idiots in the face with whenever you get the chance. It means more or less that the simpler explanation is the one that is more likely to be correct.

So we have a choice to either assume that there is an enormous invisible conspiracy involving billions of dollars and thousands of secret government workers, all in the shadows executing a dastardly mission to surreptitiously gas all of us for an unknown reason… OR… we can just look up what makes the trail behind a jet and read that “oh it’s just water vapor, and it’s totally normal”. 

You tell me which one is simpler. I understand which one is more fun to believe, but seriously. Seriously. Seriously. It’s retarded. Nobody is going to take you seriously if you walk around believing in odd and unlikely things for no reason at all. The more ridiculous your claim, the more evidence you need to have to back it up. Honestly, that goes for all conspiracy theories, from 9/11 to Roswell to the Kennedy assassination right on down to chem trails.

I’m sure there are government conspiracies, but I bet they have a lot more to do with, oh say, the middle east, and even there we don’t seem to be doing a very good job keeping things a secret. Our government, as I’ve said before, can’t even stop one Australian with a stupid haircut from releasing hundreds of thousands of our secret documents to the entire world. We couldn’t get away with Iran Contra, either. President Clinton couldn’t even penetrate a fat lady with a cigar in the privacy of his own home without it getting out.

Therefore I’ll hope you’ll agree that the likelihood of such a massive, bizarre conspiracy taking place over decades and involving thousands of people and billions of dollars is practically next to zero. Your move chem trail experts.

Nice Power Bracelet, Bro

Do you know what this is? No, it’s not a lady Swatch with a fortune telling pearl in the middle, it is known as a “Power Balance Bracelet”, and if you’re stupid, you should go grab one right now. Apparently it can help you nail 3-pointers, jump really high, have super human stamina, and achieve an erection after snorting a ton of coke and drinking a fifth of red label. Or it should, at least, if it wants to impress me. 

Everybody from Kobe Bryant to his bloated and incoherent arch-nemesis Shaq can be found wearing the power balance bracelet, which has placed this ludicrous piece of plastic firmly in the public eye and netted it millions already. But why? Why are professional athletes wearing this rubber band, and what exactly does it do or claim to do?

“One of these days, Alice… to the moon!”

Shaquille O’Neal is not normally somebody that I would place my trust in. His endorsement of a product means about as much to me as Shrek’s endorsement of a product. That is to say, he’s big, he’s dumb, and I’m not even sure he’s actually even real, so I don’t want to take him at his word. Real or not, here’s what he has to say about Power Balance Bracelets:

“I don’t really do a lot of testimonials, but this really works! I came across Power Balance when someone did the test on me. That night, while playing for the Phoenix Suns, there were about three of my teammates with the product on and we won that game by 57 points! I kept feeling something when I wore the bracelet, so I kept wearing it. When I took it off I went back to normal. I’ve been wearing the bracelet ever since. I want to do everything to get the slightest advantage; wristbands, necklaces, t-shirts, band-aids, everything and anything we can get our hands on. I’m here to tell you it works!” -Shaquille O’Neal

And I’m sure Shaq didn’t get paid annnnnything at all for saying that. The same way he tells me how good Burger King is just from the kindness of a his overburdened heart. Not that he doesn’t believe what he’s saying, I’m sure he does. He’s Shaq- he’s probably a fuckin idiot, I’m positive he believes in all sorts of crazy shit that doesn’t make sense. I mean this is the guy that believed making the movie Kazaam was a good idea, his judgment is clearly not sound.

How could just putting a fucking rubber band on your wrist make you an incredible athlete? If it does work, please explain to me by what mechanism  it does so? In other words, how does this bracelet distort a human being physically in such a way that it is able to become harder, faster, stronger, etc. Well here’s what the dumbasses at the company have to say about it:

“•What is Power Balance?

Power Balance is performance technology that uses holograms embedded with frequencies that react positively with your body’s natural energy field.”

•How does it work?

Most everything has a frequency inherent to it. Some frequencies react positively with your body and others negatively. When the hologram comes in contact with your body’s energy field, it allows your body to interact with the natural, beneficial frequency stored within the hologram. This results in improved energy flow throughout your body.”

Ok, unless you’re just really an idiot, that should strike you as the most amazing load of horseshit you’ve seen since Biff fell into a pile of it in Back to the Future 3. Holograms? Natural energy fields? Beneficial frequencies? This is just a goddamn trick to fool the ignorant into thinking there is some sort of “science” behind these stupid fucking bracelets. I mean come on, holograms?

You’re telling me a neat looking sticker is what my body has been missing all these years? That the only thing standing in the way of me and slam dunk ability is putting a rainbow decal on a rubber band and wearing it around my wrist to “restore my beneficial frequencies”? Suck my dick Power Balance. Do you think I wasn’t around in 1989? Do you think I don’t remember what a fucking hologram is? When I was a kid I had like 300 hologram pogs, and even then I knew holograms were just a cheap stupid rainbow trick that made shit more expensive for no reason.

Speaking of which, what do you think the going rate for a rubber band with a hologram slapped on it is these days? 30 fucking dollars. 30 dollars worth of absolute fucking trash. These things are basically just a lucky rabbit’s foot dressed up as a super cool Shaq bracelet, but I swear to you, people are buying the FUCK out of them.

I’m not surprised at their sales enormous sales, given my lack of respect for everyone in the world. Yet it is still just frustrating to me that somewhere off the coast of Barbados there is a man on a yacht eating sashimi off of an Asian girl’s toned stomach and drinking a 1976 Stag’s Leap because he sold 35 million dollars worth of rubber bands with fake powers this year. That man could’ve been me. Lord knows I have the complete lack of moral compass and am devoid of ethical integrity, and that’s all it takes to be one of these guys.

I guess really, it’s not the fact that some cool guy is making millions off of this scam that bothers me. I just think it’s annoying to have to deal with people claiming that it’s powers are real. Ignorant people will fight to the death over things they have no understanding of, and trying to tell somebody they wasted 30 dollars on their superpower bracelet is liable to get them as furious and indignant as telling them there’s no such thing as ghosts, god, or good television on TBS. Once somebody has spent 30 dollars on something they believe is supernaturally going to make them the next Roger Federer, it’s best just to let them believe it.

Or is it? I think we should be calling these people idiots in front of everyone, really. It’s their own fucking fault, they were tricked into buying these things in the first place, and them wearing these bracelets around is just basically wearing a badge that says “one time a dude at a kiosk in the mall played a trick on me and I still believe him to this day”.

What’s the trick? It’s the little demonstration they use to sell the bracelets to people at the mall, and it’s called “applied kinesiology”. I don’t really have the time or patience to explain it that thoroughly here, but it’s basically an old trick that snake oil salesman, fake doctors, and magicians have used for years to fool people into thinking one piece of shit medicine or another is making you stronger.

They basically do a fake “strength test” on you both before and after the bracelet is on it. It consists of you, putting your arms out like an eagle, and then standing on one foot. Some guy will pull down on your arm and slightly away from your body so that you lose your balance and fall. Now the bracelet comes in, they slap it on your wrist, and pull down on your arm again. This time however, instead of pulling down and away on your arm, they pull down and slightly towards you, thus anchoring your center of gravity and making you feel really big and brave and strong like Shaq. I know that description may be kind of hard to envision, but if you really care, and I’m sure you don’t, check out it’s explanation here.

So people wearing this piece of shit bracelet around town swearing it makes them stronger, or athletes swearing it’s making them play better is all really just a placebo effect. It’s just a lucky rabbits foot with a dumbass hologram on it that costs 30 dollars. Again, I’d say I’m surprised people believed this shit to begin or that above and beyond that it has managed to become so popular without anyone catching on that it is horseshit… but, this is America, and everyone here is exceptionally stupid and easy to fool.

Which brings me back to Shaq and Kobe. Does it really make sense to anybody that these magic bracelets would be making a difference for these two? Shaq and Kobe have both been playing basketball at the top of the league, as good as or better than anyone, since the mid 90s. Do we really need to think that Kobe suddenly found the Power Balance bracelet in 2010 and suddenly became a basketball god? No, you fucking idiots, he’d already been the best player in the NBA for 15 goddamn years before this stupid bracelet came along. Kobe needing a Power Balance bracelet to be good at basketball is just about the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Yet for some reason, even Kobe believes it.

Then again he was never much for education.

So really I guess I have to say bravo to Power Balance. Any time you can use the pure ignorance of the masses to your benefit I really have to take my hat off to you. After all, it’s not Bernie Madoff levels of financial devastation these assholes are inflicting, it’s just 30 bucks a pop from some dumbasses in the mall. No real harm there, especially if you are giving them the confidence that they have the power of really rad holograms on their side.

Food. From a Truck.

Americans really only have a few key interests. They are, in no particular order:

1. Food

2. Cars

3. Not Moving

4. Combining all three

The food industry figured this one out really early and said “hey, what if we invented a ‘drive in restaurant’ where people just kind of park outside and an out of shape red head girl on roller skates can come dump a hamburger onto their laps while they sit in the car?”. This was a fantastic idea for the time, especially considering that cars back then were larger and more comfortable then any 5 star restaurant in existence.

Then they took it a step further. Some enterprising business owner said to himself, “why am I letting all these people park in my fucking parking lot? Let’s just like, install a window and they can cruise past and we’ll throw a hamburger through it at them, then they can get the fuck off of my property and make room for the next customer whom I am going to give diabetes to”. A stroke of genius that literally guaranteed we would never have to move, leave our cars, or ever be attractive again. 

But now, something really sinister has happened, and it looks like this:

That’s right, the people in this photograph are literally lining up to buy food that was prepared in a dirty old car from a man who looks like one of the MythBusters. We are now officially living in the age of the food truck. Welcome to hell, motherfuckers.

What’s my problem with food trucks? Oh, my friend, let me unleash upon you my grievances one by one in an orderly list. Let’s start with the most basic premise of all:

1. It’s a Fucking Truck

When the fuck did we stop thinking it was disgusting to buy food from a rancid old car with a poor person inside of it grilling rat meat on a hot piece of sheet metal, and start thinking it was the pinnacle of gourmet cuisine? Sometime around 2002, I think, and we can thank hipsters for that.

I don’t care what you tell me, it is never going to be as clean as a restaurant. Where is the endless supply of running water in that stinky old truck? Where is the restroom? How do we guarantee that the cooks are washing their hands? Did you know that it was only October of 2010 that they finally passed a bill that required these nasty ass things to submit to health and cleanliness inspections in Los Angeles? Yea, my guess is you’ve been eating feces burritos out of these things a lot earlier than Oct. 2010, my hipster friend. Enjoy that. 

Again, I feel like I just need to really drive this one home. It’s a truck. It’s not a restaurant, or even a stand or a kiosk, it’s a truck. It’s like buying food made on the back of a horse, or in Peru’s case, an alpaca. It’s just not civil or dignified in any way. Trucks are for hauling things and making men with small penises feel as though they have large penises. Trucks are for filling with water as a joke and taking a bath in the back of. Trucks are for hauling cheap clothing made by children in Malaysia from a warehouse in Dallas to a Target in Ft. Worth. They are not for cooking things on. Trucks are not kitchens.

2. Gas Prices Anyone?

All we ever do is bitch and moan about the price of gasoline in this country. Especially in Los Angeles where everyone is in such a hurry to own hybrid car, convert to green energy, and buy organic food, you’d think that we really care about the environment and especially the depletion of finite resources like oil. Yet for some reason, we think it’s a fantastic idea to convert all of our restaurants to diesel guzzling, ozone depleting, traffic clogging (and causing) 5 mile-per-gallon behemoths that rove around town catering to migrant workers and young affluent drunk kids with a taste for the ironic.

It is literally as though the city of LA has multiplied it’s fleet of municipal buses by 10 over the last few years, except that these are not buses that people are riding thereby taking cars off the road, these are simply here to sell us tacos which for some reason have kimchi in them. There is NO reason a restaurant should have to be on wheels, NONE. Which brings me to my next point:

3. Why have we given up knowing where a restaurant is?

“You know Henry, I really like eating out at restaurants, but it’s so boring to always know where they are going to be. What if they were constantly on the move as though they were running away from us, leaving only hints on twitter that we had to follow and then race other people across town to find them and stand in line for our food to be given to us by a man with piss all over his hands?”

“No Carl, that sounds awful”.

Why in the world would I want to have to chase you down in order to buy your food? Is it some sort of primitive desire to hunt that these trucks are satisfying in people? I really despise the idea that I can’t just know where you are, in a building, with running water and health regulations, to buy food from you. It’s just… terrible. It only works as a business idea right now because of it’s novelty, there is NO other benefit other than “oh how fun a treasure hunt for food!”

Throw in the element of danger that comes from surrendering to the 50/50 chance of getting food poisoning and I guess I can kind of see why people find this thrilling. Although these are the same people that are thrilled by dressing up in their kids’ clothes and strangling themselves with a belt while they masturbate, loving the danger that their family may indeed to come home to find them dead and covered in semen. Honestly, even that life is preferable to one in which I am forced to locate my meal on twitter and drive to Pasadena every time I want to eat.

4. The Food they sell is an insult to food

10 years ago, if you told me you had a fantastic business idea, and then proceeded to show me an enormous diesel fueled truck that you planned to drive around, park in front of legitimate restaurants, and sell grilled cheese fucking sandwiches out of, I would have called the police on you for wasting my time.

However, due to today’s culture of irony in which it is considered the height of cool to be seen buying something as stupid as a grilled cheese sandwich from something as stupid as a car staffed with illegal immigrants, this business is able to be a resounding success. Congratulations, you’ve found the one business to buy a sandwich from that manages to pay no rent, no property tax, avoid all federal and city health regulations, and at least half the time pay no sales tax as well. If your goal, dear hipster, has been to further cripple the economy of the already broke state and country by refusing to patronize legitimate businesses, then bravo, hell of a job you’ve done.

But back to the food. When in the history of mankind has it EVER been neccessary to buy a grilled cheese sandwich? Much less out of the back of a Daihaitsu? Ok, MAYBE at a Phish concert at some point in the 90s, but that’s besides to point. The food they are selling out of these trucks, and believe me I’ve had it (and don’t you dare write me a letter saying ‘you haven’t found the right trucks bro’), is SHIT.

I have a theory, or maybe it’s more of a tool, that I use in my day to day life. I call it “Line Ratio”. It is, simply, “how long is the line versus how great is what I’m waiting in line for”.

So let’s say the line in question is one for food. If it is a 75 person line, but it is for like, the BEST, most acclaimed restaurant in town, and I’m taking a girl there or something, for like valentines day or because it’s the last day on Earth before an asteroid hits and I realllly wanna eat something good, then and only then I will stand in that line.

But if the 75 person line is wrapped around Wilshire Blvd and it leads to the Kogi Truck, where I can buy tacos infused with a taste of Korean weirdness, I will most certainly not stand in that line. There is no fucking way in hell that anything you are buying out of a truck is going to be worth a line like that. No. I don’t care what you tell me, it’s not. Period. It’s all hype, and in your heart, you know it. Shame on you.

5. Food Trucks Violate the Food-Car-Not Moving Relationship

When did we go from the luxury of sitting in our car, not moving, eating food cooked OUTSIDE of a car in a legitimate kitchen, to standing around some filthy street corner with a bunch of drunk people clamoring around the window of a dirty old truck for some greasy food? It’s like kind some kind of post apocalyptic nightmare where the citizens of a once proud nation are reduced to eating wet tortillas off of a paper plate huddled around an open sewer.

The next logical step in the Food-Car-Not Moving relationship should have been for the car to order your food for you, drive to the restaurant for you and pick it up, then come back and feed it to you while you watch TV sitting on a couch/toilet hybrid. Actually getting out of your car to use your legs and walk to a truck from which you buy your food and then eat it standing over a trash can like a street person is patently unAmerican. It violates and perverts the evolution of laziness that we have been working on successfully for decades.

Don’t you dare tell me it’s in some way healthier to be using your legs for this, either. If I wanted exercise, I’d go for a run. If I want to eat, it’s an entirely different and opposite endeavor altogether. I want to sit in luxury and be waited on by somebody like a dignified human being.

So piss of with your food truck nonsense, or enjoy it on your own and stop telling me how wonderful it is. To me it sounds like a vision of the seventh circle of hell, and I want no part of it. If and when you grow up and decide to eat at a restaurant like a gentleman, I will be more than happy to oblige you a list of fine places that are not burning up our precious oil reserves puttering around town selling salted rat meat to drunken 22 year old music critics from the East Side.

In conclusion, I’m not saying “don’t eat at food trucks”, sometimes it’s totally ok, even good to do so. What I’m saying is, stop following them around town obsessively like you’re a 17 year old and they are the Grateful Dead. They are not worthy of your worship and praise. If you want to fall in love with something that is going to eat up all of your time and gas money and then ultimately leave you fat and alone, go get a girlfriend.

Ghosts: Are we done hunting yet?

Here we can CLEAAARLY see a ghost… right? right? Ok maybe it’s a little, tiny bit out of focus, but if you kinda squint…

You know… ugh… it’s hard to even know where to begin with this one. Ghosts are not real. Like not even close. Yet, for some reason, across all 700 channels of my cable package that I inexplicably pay a king’s ransom for, the hunt continues.

It’s been fucking years now that we have been hot on the trail of ghosts, ghouls, poltergeists, and for all I know Frankensteins and Draculas and mummies as well. What have we found? I’ll tell you what we’ve found: that out of shape teenagers with gadgets from Radio Shack bumbling around a castle in the dark recording eachother farting and thinking it’s the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt is fucking ratings gold. And that’s all.

You would think, over the millions of years that Earth has been in existence, that we would have found at least one ghost. Or conclusive proof of one. Yet, all we ever seem to find are pictures that people have photoshopped, or in the case of our beloved television shows, we get a lot of “whispers” of “voices” that supposedly sound a little bit like somebody saying a word… kind of… sort of…

And it’s never a full phrase like “hey dickheads, this is the ghost of Wild Bill Hickock, get your fat asses out of my fucking haunted saloon so I can get back to drinking with my ghosts friends. And get yourselves some Clearasil while you’re at it, nerds.” It’s usually something that would barely even make sense if a ghost was saying it. Single word utterances like “meatball” (actual ghost speak from ‘Ghost Hunters International’). Meatball? Did you really just come from the other side to tell our team of expertly trained ghost hunters “meatball”? Is this what we get for attempting to make contact with a ghost? It’s favorite food?

I don’t give a shit if the ghost you’re hunting was a renowned chef, or even that fat guido from the Alka Seltzer commercial, I doubt his first word to the living is going to be “meatball”. Wouldn’t it be more along the lines of like, “Thank god you fucking found me! You have help me, I’m a fucking ghost! I’m stuck in the gray limbo between life and death, cursed forever to wander the Earth alone in the shadows until I finish what I was supposed to do just before I died! Please… take me to my son, I have to help him build that model airplane for his school project… then and only then will I be able to cross over into the afterlife!”

No, we get “meatball”. Because apparently the most important thing a dead human spirit has to tell is what we should put on top of spaghetti. Give me a fucking break.

Ghostface Killah: Not a ghost, just a killer with a ghost’s face.

There’s another interesting thing about ghosts that I’ve noticed: they’re almost always human (with the occasional loyal ghost dog). What about the other 98% of creatures that have ever wandered this earth that are now extinct? What about alllll the other animal species that STILL wander the Earth? Why don’t people ever see Brontosaurus ghosts trudging around their garden at 3 pissing off the dog and waking up the neighbors?

If people think that the ghosts of murder victims come back to haunt their murderers, then why isn’t Ted Nugent plagued by herds of moose ghosts clip-clopping all over his mansion all night trying to kill his ass for slaughtering them in the woods while they were trying to nibble flower tops on a dewy spring morning? Why aren’t we all tortured on thanksgiving night by throngs of angry turkey ghosts trying to exact revenge on us for the brutal fucking bloodbath of a holocaust that we enact upon their families every year?

And what are ghosts doing in the day time? Do they sleep all day like the homeless? Or are they more like your friend’s mom that lays around her dark room all day on anti-depressants texting the guy she met on J-Date, too sad and doped up to go outside or even put on makeup until 7pm? What’s the deal? If, as they are alleged to do, ghosts like to hang around their familiar surroundings, haunting the same building for hundreds of years, then why aren’t they doing it at the familiar time of day? Like from 10am to 7pm like they did when they were alive? Whats with all this sulking about in the middle of the night like a fucking crackhead?

And, here’s the big one, why are only idiots seeing these ghosts? Why don’t ghosts choose to haunt people that have college degrees? Why not haunt a doctor or a physicist? Why do they like to pick on acne ridden teenage goth girls hanging around graveyards at night masturbating to Twilight novels? Why do they love to appear to the illiterate El Salvadorean night janitor at the spooky old hotel? Is there something ghosts find trustworthy about obese rednecks that makes them like to be seen by them more?

No. The answer is that all of these people that see ghosts are exactly the kind of people that WANT to believe in ghosts. They are either superstitious and not very scientific to begin with, people who are easily swayed by their mind playing tricks on them, OR they are just wishing ghosts into existence, which is what the television shows are doing. They show up to a location with a ton of weird equipment, none of which are actual functioning scientific instruments, then they skulk around in the dark to freak themselves out until they pick up the faintest noise, which upon the thousandth audio amplification turns out to maybe, sort of, a voice saying “meatball”. How convincing.

Ignorant people are always going to be superstitious, and that is more forgivable in my mind than what these shows are doing, which is the deliberate pursuit of pseudoscience, which they then turn around and present to everyone as legitimate science. That is to say, that if you are the El Salvadorean night janitor at a spooky old hotel, you may come from a small rural village in the middle of Central America with no schools where every time a goat dies in the middle of the night a ghost must have killed it. Or every time you have a poor harvest it’s because one of your neighbors is a witch that is cursing you for leering at his daughter so much in the market place. That’s when ghost belief is almost forgivable because you are uneducated and you come from a place where everybody else is too, and ghosts are just part of how you all have learned to explain things that you can’t.

But it’s very different, and I think very dangerous, when you have first world, supposedly educated people pretending to “prove” the existence of ghosts through the use of fake science. You’re bumbling around in the dark with night vision cameras and $100,000 worth of recording equipment in creaky old buildings at night, of COURSE you are going to pick up some weird noises. However, attributing them to ghosts is just absolutely the last place you should be placing blame.

There are an awful lot of things making noise in old buildings, rats in walls, shifting  foundations, insects, other crew members waltzing around in the dark etc. For fuck’s sake, I’d be surprised if you brought 14 fat ass Americans to a haunted house and DIDN’T hear somebody whisper “meatball” at some point in the night. You would have to disprove every single natural, known possibility beyond a shadow of a doubt before you ever even thought about saying “ok guys, it looks like we found Houdini’s ghost, and I hope somebody brought some Pepcid AC because he’s asking for meatballs”.

The reason this is so dangerous to be putting on TV is because in a country that is already so ignorant that according to a recent Gallup poll only 39% of us believe in evolution by natural selection, we really don’t need to be pushing any more false science and bogus information into the minds of our gullible countrymen than we already are.

I mean, even the fact that we say “believe in” evolution as opposed to “accept or not accept” points out how our national psyche works. We are all still far more conditioned to understand things on a matter of faith, blind belief in something despite a complete lack of evidence. You “believe” in Santa Claus, because that’s the only fucking way he can ever be real to you. If you just close your eyes and wish and hope that he is, then you just KNOW he has to be. Then you turn around to non-believers and say “prove that he isn’t!”. No asshole, the burden of proof is on YOU since there is absolutely no fucking evidence that he does. You don’t “believe” in a scientific theory with abundant evidence. You don’t “believe” that 1+1=2. The evidence is there for you to know it, if you just add it all up (no pun intended).

This is why I think these shows are giving stupid people more reason to “believe” in ghosts by dressing it up as science. Putting it on television and glamorizing the whole thing as if there is currently some kind of a legitimate quest by the world’s scientific community to hunt down and catalog ghosts (which there most definitely is not). It’s dangerous because people today are more likely to believe shit that they see on TV than they are to actually pick up a book and learn anything for themselves.

It’s dangerous because people in our country absolutely love to see things that have to be taken on “faith” proven by “science” to be real. It’s a big fuck you to everyone that tells them they are stupid (which they are) for believing in things for which there is no evidence to be believing in. They get to say “see I told you ghosts are real! Trevor from Ghost Hunters just picked up an EVP on his weird science computer! I knew it all along!”

It should come as no surprise then that people who claim to see ghosts or just believe in them get very, very testy with you if you tell them that ghosts are not real. To them it’s a full frontal on assault on their dignity. “You weren’t there! You don’t know what I saw! How dare you tell me that I didn’t get a glimpse of Bluebeard’s ghost in that old pirate ship!”.

Look, YOU may believe that you saw a ghost, but it doesn’t mean that you did, or that they even exist at all for that matter. One time I could SWEAR I saw Lebron James at the Farmer’s Market. He looked like Lebron James, he was as tall as Lebron James, it could not have been more of a dead ringer. I would have been able to swear up and down for the rest of my life that I had DEFINITELY seen Lebron James if it hadn’t been for one fact: the real Lebron was playing the Lakers that night in fucking Cleveland. So it couldn’t have been. Was I crushed? No, fuck Lebron James, but it goes to prove my point that even if you 100% know that you saw something… it doesn’t mean that you actually did.

What’s more, I fucking guarantee you that I got a better look at the fake Lebron James than anybody in history has ever gotten at a ghost. I looked at this guy for like 5 goddamn minutes, I saw him touch things and talk to a cashier, I saw him do all kinds of shit. People never really get to see a ghost for more than a second, much less hear it order a sandwich and then stand around for 5 minutes fucking with it’s iPhone. So even I had far more real life experience with this fake Lebron than anybody ever gets with a ghost that they “know for a fact” they saw, and yet in the end despite the fact that he was the only 6’9 guy that looked EXACTLY like Lebron James I have ever seen in my life, it still wasn’t him. Don’t trust your eyes so much, they aren’t all that reliable.

So please, can we stop watching all 500 of the ghost hunting shows now? Are we done? Not only is it not entertaining in the slightest, but I genuinely believe that it is harmful to the national intelligence. We are already so mind blowingly stupid in this country, it is totally to our detriment to allow all of our fellow idiots to be watching and believing in this bullshit. These are our future presidents, doctors, lawyers, and teachers. Do we really want them to be any stupider than they are already going to have to be in the first place just by virtue of growing up in the United States?

Don’t even begin to tell me that Americans aren’t that stupid, either. We have people that don’t believe the president is a citizen, we have people that think there is a saint that helps them get parking spots, we have people that believe we are all alien spirits that won’t be happy until we give Scientology all of our money, the list goes on. We even have people that think the bloated, incompetent, bureaucracy that is the American government was behind a sophisticated conspiracy to orchestrate the 9/11 attacks when it can’t even stop an Australian gay man with a bad haircut from releasing hundreds of thousands of it’s secret documents to the entire world. So don’t you dare sit there and tell me Americans aren’t fucking stupid enough to believe anything, ESPECIALLY if it’s on their beloved TV.

So take this shit off the air and bring back Arrested Development.

The Word “Genius”

It seems to me that somebody needs to address this one. The word “Genius” is thrown around a little bit too much lately in my opinion. Any bum off the street with an asymmetric haircut and a synthesizer can show up to the Grammys with his pierced penis hanging out of vinyl tights and suddenly everyone is quick to point out that this man is, in fact, a genius.

Really? I hear people (and you know how I feel about their intelligence to begin with) talk about somebody like Lady Gaga, and say emphatically that she is a genius. I can understand that we may aesthetically appreciate not only her music but also her ability to live life as a pop star woman despite the fact that she has a penis, but is this really a good reason to put her in the same ranks as, oh say, Plato or Aristotle? Or even fucking Chris Tucker who is hilarious in Rush Hour 1, 2, 3, AND Friday? No, I don’t think we can compare these people.

To say that writing a good pop album, which other transsexuals will tell you Lady Gaga has done (between tucking their dicks between their legs and getting in a fight with their pimp), does not qualify you as a goddamn genius. Now maybe if somebody put out an album like that in 1765, that might have been a little bit mind blowing for the time. But in this day in age we’ve head basically everything on that album ad nauseum for years now. What a bitch.

To more clearly demonstrate my point, let me give you a brief history of the word genius, in chronological order:

Socrates - who, terrifyingly, was made of rocks as you can plainly see in this picture. Despite being a rock-man at a time when only meat-people were considered intelligent, Socrates managed to basically invent western thought and critical thinking. He taught his method of thinking to his student Plato, who in turn taught it to Aristotle, who in turn taught it Alexander the Great, who in turn conquered the world and sodomized every single boy he could get his dirty Greek hands on. You could argue Socrates is in one way or another responsible for just about all of modern philosophy and science, much the way Collin Farrell is responsible for nobody respecting Alexander the Great anymore.

Leonardo da Vinci- who is most famous for hilariously having the word “nard” in his name, is also somewhat known as a genius. This is the man that the term “Renaissance Man” was coined for, because this motherfucker did everything. He painted shit, he cut up dead bodies and drew pictures of them like some sort of 17th century Trent Reznor, he invented fucking helicopters, and he painted the most famous painting of a homely woman every committed to canvas: The Mona Lisa. Yes, Surely Leonardo was a genius, a master of many disciplines. He even kept his diaries written in backwards Latin, because that way his less famous older brother Keith couldn’t read them and find out what kind of porn he was into and then tease him at school. Fucking genius, by anyone’s standards.

Sir Isaac Newton- is famous for not only looking exactly like Peter Frampton, but also because he is universally recognized as being one of the most important humans in history ever, which easily puts him up there with Chris Tucker. This is the man the basically gave us physics. He discovered gravity by watching how a turd fell out of a dogs ass and wondering “why?”. He laid forth his famous 3 laws of motion (stop, drop, and make dat booty pop), and he also once purportedly had an apple fall on his head, which like, never happens. Although one time a seagull took a shit on my windbreaker at Disneyland, which I guess is similar, but it still doesn’t make me a genius. Or… did it?

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart-Who looks like a pompous dick, is famous for being a brilliant composer, and, funnily enough, a pompous fucking dick. Yet, he is nowhere near as pompous a dick as somebody like, say, Eric Clapton, who has a stupid fucking beard and plays stupid fucking songs. When people talk about musical genius, I would argue there is not a lot of it around. But Mozart truly was one, and I think you’d have to be kind of a dong to deny that one. This dude wrote fucking “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” when he was 3 years old, then later went on to write over 600 separate compositions which continue to both fascinate and bore the shit out of us today. Touch that, Tranny Gaga. Touch that with your hidden penis.

So these people I have mentioned above are all sort of widely accepted as having been “geniuses”, they are in fact some of the very people for whom the word was invented in the first place. Now let’s take a look at who we’ve been calling geniuses lately….

Albert Einstein - who is most famous for saying “The only comb I got any love for is a muthafuckin honeycomb, damn them shits is dank”, is also noted for being a genius physicist and mathematician. He is notable for his “theory of relativity”, which is an extraordinarily important theory that nobody really understands at all because it’s just really boring and hard, like school. He also contributed to the development of nuclear energy, as well as the atomic bomb, which I’m sure Japanese people everywhere thank him for. Einstein is basically the face of genius in the 20th century, and it seems to me he is the most used example that we have. 

Stevie Wonder- Long before there was “Blade”, we had an even more dangerous badass who wore cool ass sunglasses and a slayed shit. Stevie fucking Wonder. If we’re going to talk about modern musical genius, forget everyone. This guy is amazing. He’s blind as a bat, yet he has been an undeniable musical prodigy from a very young age, and written some of the greatest music of the 20th century. Still don’t believe me? Alright asshole, you put on a blindfold and write me a song on a keyboard. Or even better, put on a blindfold and find your way to a piano in the first place, you pompous dick. That alone is a feat of genius on his part.

Anyways, this is where things start getting weird. I think those guys seem to be our last real genius, because from them on out, we’ve kind of just thrown the term around willy-nilly. Here I present my argument for why all the people we are now calling “geniuses” are in fact NOT. They’re just on TV.

Kurt Cobain- Yes, a lot of people call him a genius. Kurt was like 5’2, sad all the time like a fucking pussy, and wrote songs that any doucher with a guitar and enough heroin could write in their sleep. His excuse for his laziness was just to call it “the grunge movement”, where he encouraged everyone to stop showering and start wearing cut off jeans. People took Kurt’s tortured anguish for being short and untalented for being genuinely artistic and… yes… genius. “Ugh he’s soooo sad, it’s cuz he’s soooo talented”.

Tell me this then, assholes, if Kurt Cobain was so fucking smart, why did he marry that wretched cunt Courtney Love? Nobody with a fucking brain would have done that. In fact, after that, the only intelligent thing he did was shoot himself in the head to escape her constant nagging. That’s how bad that bitch is. Courtney seems like the kind of girl that stinks all the time too, I can imagine her peeling off a pair of leather pants shes been shooting up in for the last 4 days and just having the most disgusting smell come out. Talk about Hole. Fucking disgusting.

Tyler Perry- is famous more than anything for putting his fucking name on EVERYTHING he touches, it’s almost like he’s afraid somebody’s going to steal it. He’s like the motherfucker at work that fills up the fridge with tupperware containers that say “Bradley’s - DO NOT EAT!” and then leaves them there to fester for weeks on end. Tyler is considered a genius for one reason alone: his empire of film and television shows have netted TONS of fucking money. Well I’ve argued this in my Justin Bieber article before, and I will argue it again: presence in the media and lots of money DOES NOT MAKE YOU A GENIUS. Especially if we consider my hypothesis that 95% of the world is fucking stupid, then we can see how easy it is to sell them anything, but that does not make you a genius.

Do you think that because McDonald’s is able to sell “billions and billions” of hamburgers, that it means they are actually good? No! It just means they are cheap, available, and fat people are stupid pigs that will eat anything. This is why Tyler Perry’s television shows and films are successful (though not really, if you compare them to more mainstream ones). He caters to the lowest common denominator, he reinforces, in my opinion, negative black stereotypes, and most of all… he’s just not fucking funny at all. Like even Kevin Nealon is funnier than Tyler Perry.

Not only that, but this man’s narcissism is clearly off the charts. He writes, produces, directs, stars in, caters, set decorates, lights, gaffs, shoots, and is the fucking projectionist for ALL of his films. No wonder they are all such shit, he’s stretching himself too thin. I think there is clearly a place in this world for Tyler Perry and his work, but I think it’s a good argument that it is NOT in the realm of genius, it is in fact, on TBS. What does that tell you…

Bob Dylan- Pictured here shortly after winning the gunfight at the O.K. corral, is very annoyingly cited as a modern genius. This guy is tough to take down because he is not only cited as a genius by complete morons, but also by people who are intelligent and respectable. I don’t think any single human being has ever done so much to make the acoustic guitar the most annoying, pretentious instrument on the fucking planet. Bob invented the genre of the “annoying asshole playing the guitar at the party and singing to you”.

Nobody had ever considered the sheer beauty of one man with a shitty voice strumming an out of tune guitar and whining about shit that doesn’t even fucking make sense, like watchtowers and “tambourine men” and “maggie’s farm”, wherever the FUCK that is. Probably somewhere off the 5. Bob’s songwriting I GUESS is ok, but for some reason his songs are only good when other people play them and make them actually interesting in some way by bringing, uh, whats the word, musical talent into the equation.

For example I promise you I could sit down right now like a douche, pick up a guitar, bang out any simple arrangement of chords, throw some lyrics on top that are not only vague and nonsensical, but are also deliberately incredibly pretentious and annoying. Then I would give that song to Jimi Hendrix and watch him make it into a goddamn masterpiece.

People cite Bob Dylan as the voice of his generation, and that makes sense, because everybody in his generation was high as fuck out of their minds on acid, laying about in muddy fields having sex with each other and naming their children “Stardust” and “Moonbeam” like they were fucking Care Bears. I don’t trust anything a disgusting hippie tells me, which is why when I hear them talk about the genius of Bob Dylan, I consider that alone to be evidence that he is shit.

But really, in my opinion, all you have to do is put on one of his albums and listen to it for 5 minutes to know as much. You will want to blow your fucking brains out. This man is as much a genius as I am a police officer: I might be able to fool some drunk women with that costume sometimes, but anybody who knows better is going to tell me I’m just dressed as one of the village people.  And they would be right.

Kanye West- Who in this photograph is doing… actually… I don’t know what, is also somebody who is considered (mostly by himself) to be “the voice of a generation”. I’d have to agree with him on this point, because who better to speak for our generation than a selfish, ignorant, loud, arrogant, me-first, neon-clad song thief whose famous just as much for being a total asshole as he is for making some songs once in a while. I think he is a pretty good representative for the young people of our time.

Do you think Albert Einstein would whine if he didn’t win a Nobel Prize? Do you think Stevie Wonder would have taken a microphone away from somebody who was winning a grammy to tell the world that she doesn’t deserve it (well I guess he’d have to find the fucking stage in the first place)? No, I don’t think so. The reason is that true geniuses KNOW that they are geniuses, or maybe they just simply don’t care. They are happy just to be producing the work that they are at the level that they are. They don’t need to run around like a fucking child constantly searching for validation from everyone that they are amazing.

Kanye West strikes me as the kind of person that grew up being sodomized in the closet by a powerful father figure who only showed approval once in a while, leaving Kanye with an outsized appetite for being told that he is good and worth something. Kanye, motherfucker, you make millions of dollars, sell out concerts all over the world, win grammies sometimes… why the fuck do you need to be such a fucking asshole? Why do you need to throw a fit if you don’t win sometimes? If you really, truly believe that you are the greatest living human being on the planet, why does it matter so much to you if other people get recognition once in a while? You’re a prick.

But being an asshole doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not a genius. No, the reason he’s not a genius is that his music is entertaining, but it’s not anything I think we should be calling “mind blowingly transcendent”. His arrangements are unimpressive, everything is filled with computerized noises and synthesized what-have-yous. Every time I hear a new Kanye song I always think that my Super Nintendo has come to life and decided to express itself through song. Then it just turns out to be Kanye.

People calling Kanye West a genius is just so annoying. Yes, he’s rich. Yes, he has successful and even good albums. But genius? Did he really break ground? And if so, what ground did he break (besides being the single biggest narcissist since Jesus Christ himself)? Did he invent hip hop? Did he invent auto-tune, or just use it a lot? Did he invent dancing, or dressing like everybody dressed in 1991 all over again? What the fuck did he do besides make a few albums that are decent and then through sheer force of asshole personality force his way into our consciousness as a “genius” by simply telling us that he is every time he gets the chance?

My point being here is that I think the people we are calling geniuses these days are so lame not because geniuses don’t exist, I think it’s because we’re all fucking stupid as shit and we as a society have lost our knack for picking out genius. We no longer look to people who truly possess talent for things like uncovering the mysteries of the universe for our definition of brilliance. Instead, we all just watch TV all day like the stupid fat fucks we are, and from that pool of characters and celebrities that we are familiar with we draw our favorites and call them geniuses.

Nevermind that in the 90’s we mapped the human genome, no, when we think of “whose a genius from the 90s”, people say “DUDE MIKE MEYERS AS AUSTIN POWERS! FUCKIN GEEENNNNIIIIUUSSSS!!!”

Yea? Try watching Wayne’s World 2 and telling me he’s a fucking genius. Or watch “Cat in the Hat”. Or “Love Guru”. Give me a fucking break. I’m not saying we shouldn’t appreciate these people listed above for their talent, but please, for the love of god, can we maybe save the word genius for the next guy that comes along and like, cures cancer or something? When that happens, I really doubt that man is going to want to be greeted at the front door of the Genius Club by Kanye West and Lady Gaga.

Dr. Justin Bieber

In the news today is an interesting little interview from everyone’s favorite Child of the Corn, Justin Bieber. In this interview, Dr. Bieber MD discusses his views on Christianity, abortion, and pre-martial sex- all topics which I’m sure you’ll all agree a 16 year old whose never gone to school must have thought provoking opinions on. Now before anybody get’s it in their head that it’s bullying for me to be attacking a 16 year old, let me get one thing straight: anybody that makes millions of dollars and travels all over the world can suck my balls, and they are as fair a target as any whether they are 6, 16, or 60.

Especially because, as you will see, Justin Bieber is an ignorant fucking fool who is no more worthy of my respect or admiration than a brain dead child rapist who is freed from prison and given 13 million dollars to play with just because he has great hair. Somebody’s wealth and presence on television is NO reason to respect or take them seriously in any way (you hear that Kardashian, you tall hairy slut?).

So what did Bieber say that is so offensive? Well, it’s not so much that it’s offensive (though I’m sure it is to some), it’s just that it shows what a complete fucking dumb turd he is. Here he weighs in on abortion:

“I really don’t believe in abortion. I think [an embryo] is a human. It’s like killing a baby. [In the case a rape], I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason.”

Oh you ignorant beautiful little cherub. As you can tell by the parenthetical up there, Justin doesn’t even know the word embryo, it had to be inserted into that sentence so we could understand what the fuck he’s talking about. Yet, even though he doesn’t know what it is, he’s pretty sure it’s a human baby and we should leave it alone. Never mind the fact that the earth is overpopulated and we could use that embryo’s stem cells to cure somebody dying of cancer or suffering from Parkinson’s disease.

Yes, let’s just forget the positive correlation between abortion legalization and the decline 25 years later in violent crime. Unwanted babies, as we all know, grow up to become Mike Tyson. All they crave is cocaine and more face tattoos, and they would gladly break into your house and rape you in the throat just to steal your Nyquil.

Let’s not even get into the fact that only fucking idiots keep unwanted babies, usually because they are religious. Superstitious people who believe that “everything happens for a reason” (see Bieber, above) make decisions based not on rationality or critical thought, but rather on stone-age fear and instinct that there is some supernatural force that got them pregnant and would be so very unhappy if the child didn’t come to term.

Never mind the fact that these ignorant religious baby makers have sown the seeds of their own discontent by getting pregnant through their own poor decision making in the first place. Never mind the fact that raising a child when you are poor and single is almost certainly going to ensure your child will be as fucking stupid, poor, and ignorant as you are in the first place.

get diesel, biebs

By raising this unwanted child because you believe it’s “god’s will”, you have successfully ensured your life will be misery, and that child’s life will be misery, that you will never have any money for yourself or much less money to send that child to school. Only somebody whose mind set is as counterintuitive and warped as a religious person would ever consider these children to be “lil’ blessings”, as we so often hear them called.

The Biebs even goes so far as to that even in the case of rape, abortion is wrong. Again we hear this “everything happens for a reason” nonsense. You know why rape happens, Justin Bieber? It’s not because God wants a woman to have a baby, that’s for goddamn sure. And even if he did, why in fucking hell would you EVER worship or believe in a God who is as twisted and sadistic as to think that is a proper way of conceiving a baby? Funny thing is, God already does have a history of this behavior. Remember when he sent that angel to rape the Virgin Mary in her sleep and get her pregnant with Jesus? Yea, praise that guy, what a sound moral compass he has.

No Justin, people get raped because children that SHOULD have been aborted years ago grow up in poverty being sexually abused and become rapists themselves. What a wonderful genetic lineage to be carried on unwillingly through the womb of an innocent woman, we definitely want to preserve that prime DNA and make sure that baby makes it. There’s no joy like that of a mother looking into her baby’s eyes for the first time and thinking “aw, little Billy looks just like his father… that guy that raped me in San Diego.”

Bieber also spoke out about how he doesn’t believe in premarital sex. Have fun with that one, pal. One day you’ll turn 25, have sex for the first time, realize how cool it is, and realize you have wasted 10 years of your life being a complete fucking fool. Regarding his faith, Bieber says:

“I feel I have an obligation to plant little seeds with my fans.  I’m not going to tell them, ‘You need Jesus,’ but I will say at the end of my show, ‘God loves you.’”

Believe me Justin Bieber, if I was you, I would have an obligation to myself to be planting veeeery different kinds of “little seeds” in my fans. As many as I could, in as many towns as I could, relentlessly, over and over until my balls hurt and I passed out in a cold sweat. Who becomes the most desired teen idol on the planet and then says “I’m just not going to have sex with any of these 400 million girls throwing themselves at me”? Only an idiot. Only Justin Bieber.

Rolling Stone quotes Justin “on maturing: ‘I used to freak out at arcades, but now I’m like, whatever’”.

Oh, how they grow. I remember the day I stopped freaking out at Arcades… yes… that was the day I knew I had become a man. When you no longer have to put your fist through the screen of the Street Fighter II machine, that’s when you know you’ve made it to adulthood.

After that sobering meditation on maturity, Justin feels it appropriate to chime in on party politics:

“I’m not sure about parties, but whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad”.

First of all dickface, which Korea? I could wager a guess, but with your level of incompetence it’s really anyone’s game. Why is Rolling Stone even discussing this shit with him? Oh, that’s right, because it’s the stupidest fucking magazine on the face of the planet. This is the magazine that panned every single Led Zeppelin album as trash and then 30 years later celebrated them as one of the greatest bands of all time. Good work morons.

Bieber displays some humility in regards to all his wealth:

“I don’t love money because once you start loving money, you’ve got a big house and nice cars and just an empty heart, and that’s the truth, I’m not just saying that.”

Must be pretty fucking easy to say when you have all the money in the world Justin. So you’re telling me that one makes millions of dollars, has everything under the sun he could want, and then suddenly turns into the Tin Man? “If I only had a heart :( boo hoo hoo”. Luckily we know this isn’t true, because the next thing Bieber decides to say is:

“I wear black diamonds instead of regular ones because I’m not flashy, I’m flossssyyyy”.

Wait… what? What about all that stuff about how fabulous wealth turns your heart cold? Or does that only happen if you are flashy as opposed to flossssyyyy? I’m confused now. Would the Tin Man not have needed a heart if he only wore black diamonds as opposed to “regular ones”? That flashy fucking Tin Man, Dorothy told him not to wear his engagement ring out all the time but he just had to do it. If only you had been there Justin, to save him from his own wretched opulence.

All in all, Bieber is just a 16 year old boy with amazing hair that has no idea what the fuck he is talking about, and I don’t think I would be so bothered with him if his ideas didn’t strike me as being so close to the way that EVERYBODY seems to feel. So ignorant of everything, yet they have an opinion anyways.

“I don’t know what an embryo is, but if a rapist puts one inside of you it’s probably because god wants it, so you have to keep it.”

“I don’t know anything about politics, but I’m going to tell you which country is bad.”

“I could have sex with any girl I want, but I’m not gonna. Just cuz!”

Fuck you Bieber, I didn’t really care about you before, but now you are my sworn enemy. You and you’re amazingly coordinated outfits and cute little face and you’re complete lack of a brain. Tempted to make a scarecrow joke here but I think I’ve already overdone the Wizard of Oz references in this article. That’s enough of that.

Bums.

“Urhghghgrhghghgrh gimme some fucking money”

No, this is not a Wu Tang song. Well, actually it is, but I meant it to be a quote from your common homeless man as you exit the freeway and stop at a redlight on the offramp. He approaches your car, he rattles a cup, he coughs in the general direction of his sickly dalmatian tied to a shopping cart… you know the drill. He shakes a piece of a cardboard that says in sharpie “help me im homeless god bless you :)” as he drunkenly stands inches away from your driver’s side window, likely urinating down his pant leg.

Now at this point, some of you give him some money, or, if you’re like me, you turn up your music and stare ahead, praying the bum will not enter the car and rape you while he shares a tall can of bud ice with his dalmatian. I’ve seen people take both approaches, and I can honestly say that I think only a fool financially supports the common freeway bum.

The fact is this: homeless people are out of their fucking minds. Nearly all of the time. When was the last time you conversed with a sober, mentally stable homeless person? Odds are you have, I know I have, but given at least MY encounters with these filthy creatures from the depths, they are nearly never in their current positions by chance.

Challenged with remembering any decent hobo I have encountered, I struggle to remember even two or three. However, I can in fact think of many circumstances in which I’ve seen a street person (1 charge a cell phone (2 get into a car that is nicer than my own (3 argue with a brick wall and then piss on it (4 slap a dog (5 masturbate (6 smoke crack (7 pass out drunk (8 try to kill me, and so on and so forth.

After having lived in two major American cities in my life and encountered what I consider to be FAR more than my fair share of the homeless, I think I can say with some accuracy that giving them money is like giving money to a charity that has <5% chance of actually distributing it to a worthy cause. Let me recount some recent and past experiences of mine with the homeless.

A few weeks ago in Hollywood, I left my friends apartment to go to the gas station. I took the back route out of his apartment, through an alleyway, purely for expediency sake. I closed the back gate to his building and turned around only to be greeted by a large, dirty, piss scented and menacing hobo. He was clearly drunk, and I base that not only on his behavior but also on the fact that nobody who is sober and employed wears a sweatsuit outside of the home. He made a puppy dog face at me, curling his blood vessel bespattered face into a pout, and croaked “hey man, can you help me move this mattress?”.

He motioned down a dark, dank side alley to a wet mattress, from behind which peered at me an even larger, more dangerous looking hobo, who seemed to be laying in wait for a rape. 

“Uh, sorry, I’m in a hurry man,” I replied as I brushed by him and continued on my way.

Now normally, if you ask a stranger for help in the middle of the night moving a wet mattress away from a menacing bum in an alleyway, and the stranger declines, you would understand his reasoning. But not this bum.

“YOU MOTHERFUCKER SONOFABITCH! YOU PUSSY ASS MOTHERFUCKER YOU BETTER GET DOWN THERE AND HELP ME MOVE THIS MATTRESS FOOL!” he yelled at me suddenly through his rank, toothless mouth.

Now I’m the kind of guy that literally lays awake at night thinking about how I’m going to kick the shit out of the next homeless person that harasses me. I relish the thought of a triumphant alleyway victory in which I beat the living shit out of some disrespectful poor person and urinate on their passed out body for the glory of the dignified man. Yet for some reason, all I could think to say was “leave me alone you fucking bum!” as I briskly walked away.

That only seemed to enrage him further as he continued to shout and carry on, but to his drunken, piss smelling credit, he did not assault or rape me. That was my most recent homeless encounter. Allow me to relay you the story of my very first.

I was kindergarten. I was going to school at 8am, which means I was already in a bad mood to begin with. I sat in the passenger seat of my mother’s car travelling down Vanowen in Canoga Park. This being the early 90’s, my mother likely had no idea that placing a small child in the passenger seat would likely result in my brutal decapitation had the airbag deployed, but alas, we must forgive our parents for the ignorance for their time.

We came to a stop at a light, and I looked out the window to my right, as a young curious schoolboy is wont to do. What I beheld has stayed with me for the rest of my life. It was a homeless man, wearing nothing but yellow rain boots, eagerly masturbating his penis as he lay upon a bus stop bench. He also appeared to be talking to a person that wasn’t there (a phenomenon I have since observed in other homeless people).

My mother, realizing the situation, grabbed me and covered my eyes. It was two late, however, for I had already developed a prejudice towards (and a bizarre fascination with) the homeless. A traumatic experience indeed, I think you will agree.

Those are only two examples of my previous sordid encounters with bums, tramps, hobos, “rough trade men”, whatever you want to call them. And I can assure you that the other 10,000,000 of them have all been pretty much the same. So why is it that we continually defend and laud the homeless for their undignified “misfortune”? Why do we incessantly leap to their defense and aid when all they seem to want to do is cum all over our new Prius and take our money to buy meth?

I think the obvious reason is that we feel bad for them. We recognize that they too are human beings, living in a hideous condition in which we would hate to imagine ourselves. Yet I think it is foolish to believe that most of them wound up their by sheer “bum luck” (no pun inten- ok… pun intended).

Now I know the theme of this blog is to attack ignorance and stupidity, and I have a hard time in good conscience calling bums ignorant or stupid, because I still have a little bit of humanity left in me and I do feel sorry for them. I would call them rotten, disgusting, drunk, insane, sexually deviant, predatory, rude, drug addled, dog abusing, pan-handling, con artisting, despicable liars…. but maybe not ignorant or stupid.

No, I save those labels for those of you that are what I like to call “bum apologists”. Stop advocating their lifestyle. Stop supporting them. If you give a fuck about the homeless problem, give money to a shelter or some other place that keeps them the fuck away from the freeway offramp and my new car. Support government funded mental health facilities, an idea which was largely destroyed by Ronald Reagan leading to the release of wild insane people to our streets in the 1980s.

But by no means give these people more money for dalmation food or crack, because god knows we’ve been doing it for years and all it seems to have done is produce more dalmations and more homeless people, neither one of which is a desirable element of society. Oh, surprised I have it in for dalmations too? Well let me tell you something about this spotted blight on the world of dogs.

Dalmatians are well know for their genetic propensity for deafness, kidney disease, and cancer. And I don’t think I even need to bring up their known association with beach bums in surf rock bands from the 90s, yes, it seems these dogs go hand in hand with drug addiction the same way that pornography goes hand in hand with not giving a shit about dating people. It’s a disturbing trend, and I think although the hobo is the main ingredient in this cocktail of debauched madness, the role of the dalmatian dog cannot be ignored.

And there I believe I rest my case. If you really care about the human rights of these lunatics, or if you’re like me and just plain don’t want your car windows washed with piss and scrubbed with a newspaper every time you go downtown, you will stop giving money to the homeless, for the love of god.

On why I started this site

No, this is not me. In all likelihood, in fact, it is you. You see, as I have grown older, drunker, more world-weary, and bitter (maybe there’s a correlation there), I have become increasingly sick and tired of the people I am surrounded with on a day to day basis. Or, to paint in broader strokes, of humanity in general. I would have called this site “misanthropy.com”, but frankly, that sucks.

Living on planet Earth today, a “normal”, rational person is constantly bombarded with a relentless tidal wave of other, less desirable, human beings. They are in turn ignorant, lazy, stupid, loud, obnoxious, angry, fat, materialistic, religious, belching, farting, cheeseburger worshiping pigs for whom we, as thinking folk, should have absolutely no respect. I already don’t, obviously, and by the very virtue of you reading, you probably don’t either. Or maybe you’ve found this site by accident while trying to masturbate. Believe me, I’ve stumbled on stranger sites on that very same quest. If that’s the case, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but there are no squirting pre-teens to be found here… yet.

However this site is not here simply to mock these lesser creatures (although trust me… there will be plenty of that), but it’s also here to reinforce my core philosophy and present to you a hypothesis that I have developed: that 95% of the people in this world are, in fact, absolute fucking idiots.

I propose to you that so-called social epidemics such as crime, overpopulation, obesity, holy war, evangelism, materialism, selfishness, teen pregnancy, poverty, etc, are all nothing more than symptoms of a disease that has infected humanity to it’s very core, and is now rotting away the very foundation of civilization like syphilis rots a Brazilian prostitute’s genitals. The hypothesis is that everyone except for me and you, is an unforgivably ignorant fucking moron. Their disease is sheer mind-boggling fucking stupidity.

The proof for this theory, I am not at all concerned about finding. It’s really too easy to find, if anything. I see it every time I go into a Target, or pull into a gas station, or even ride in the elevator in my own apartment building. Human beings have become gargantuan, selfish, pigs. Like the girl in the photo above, giving you the middle finger… because it’s all your fault her life is shit, right? She’s unattractive and poor, so fuck you… right?

The point of this website is I feel that we intelligent, free-thinking people do not have a proper voice in this world. We are oppressed daily by stupidity and ignorance. Our senses our offended by it. People like you and I who are intelligent, devilishly attractive, well informed, well spoken, and over all perfect, do not have a proper channel to express our anger at the rest of humanity for being so fat, stupid, and utterly fucking worthless in every regard.

We have all been trained from infancy in this country to treat these heathens we call our fellow humans with kid gloves; to placate them and show nothing but sympathy for their condition. We pat them on the back and say ‘it’s not your fault you’re a fat ignorant pig, Dorothy, it’s society that made you that way. It’s Doritos fault for being so delicious, it’s school’s fault for being so hard, it’s your ex-boyfriend Danny’s fault for getting you pregnant when you were 16 and then leaving. Poor you Dorothy, it’s so terrible that all this unpreventable misfortune has befallen you.”

I say now, and I think we all goddamn well know it, that this is fucking bullshit. Dorothy’s life is shit not because school is hard, or Cool Ranch Doritos are delicious, or Danny is just so cute that she’s going to let him rawdog it… her life is hard because she is a fucking idiot without the mental faculty to overcome these obstacles. She has no foresight, no critical thinking skills. She does not correlate rawdog sex in the back of a Ford F150 with future pregnancy. She sees no relation between eating a bag of cool ranch in one sitting and becoming a human pig. She doesn’t understand that having no respect for learning or education will ensure she never has money.

I’m sick of saying “excuse me” when a family of 15 squalling poor children and their alcohol bloated mother push past me in a store while screaming about their Nintendo DS and pissing all over the place. I’m sick of saying “your baby is cute” to a 16 year old. I’m sick of listening to a 260 lb man tell me that if I don’t eat meat for a few days I won’t be getting enough protein and I might die. I’m sick of people telling me that god saved them from their sinful ways when we know damn well they could have quit on their own.

This worldview may prove to be too acerbic, or pessimistic, or angry and depressing for a lot of you. That’s fine. I don’t require that you agree with me or that you even read it all. I really don’t give a shit. I just want everyone to know, in the event of my death, exactly how I felt about the so called “human condition”, and the world in which we live. More specifically, I want everyone to know that I think think they are fucking stupid, and I think in that regard, this endeavor will be a resounding success. Keep in mind before you vomit from my pessimism, however, that it is all done with the intention of comedy and humor… even if it’s all dark (yet, I believe, all true).

So in closing, this website is here because I fucking hate idiots. I hate what they do, I hate how they think, I hate that there are more of them than us, and more than anything, I think these motherfuckers deserve to be taken down a peg or two. We treat them too nicely, and it’s time a venomous unapologetic asshole (me) says “enough with you stupid, insufferable bastards” and exposes them for what they really are.

A world of fucking idiots.